during stage 1 of the women's road race at the 2016 Cascade Cycling Classic on July 20, in Bend, USA. Photo: Matthew Lasala/Lasala Images

during stage 1 of the women’s road race at the 2016 Cascade Cycling Classic on July 20, in Bend, USA. Photo: Matthew Lasala/Lasala Images

I have been avoiding writing a post but I guess it’s time.  The last three weeks have been very very difficult to digest and to be honest I am not quite there and I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.  The analytical side of me says, okay life goes on, it’s time to reset and refocus on the next goal.  The emotional side of me says, my heart is broken and I don’t know how to put it back together.  It’s so strange to me that this disappointment can feel very much like a break up.  My heart is broken, not because of a relationship gone bad but I guess it is very much like a loss. There is a whole in place where this important, grandiose goal was.  It’s just gone… It’s not like I got to go and then failed and couldn’t complete the goal.  My goal was not to just go to Rio but to go there and compete for a medal.  This is where I think my mind becomes confused.  I don’t even get to go try to get a medal, it’s just absent.

At this point we all know the injustice that has been done, so no need to keep repeating and rehashing that.  I desperately need to find away to move one and not be depressed about all that has happened.  Or do I?  That is what I don’t know.  I think it’s important to go through all the feeing and “grieve” if you will, but I find myself wanting that period to be over.  I guess your body and mind will do what it needs to do.  At this point I am just along for the ride until the feeling of hurt, disappointment, pain, and anger dissipate.

Last week was my first race with the new team Cylance  Pro Cycling Team and I really did have a wonderful time.  The staff has been so helpful getting me settle with the new team, my new teammates are wonderful welcoming me midway through the season and I met the men’s team who were equally wonderful.  We had a small team of 4 girls racing Cascade Cycling Classic, it had been three years sense I last competed at this race.  Some of the stages had changed slightly, and I had forgotten how much I like visiting Bend Organ.  Such a nice town!

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I really don’t want to write a race report (there were several out from our team and others so if you are dying to know, I’m sure you can find them!) so I will spare you of my boring rehashing of the race.  This is not completely about writing a race report, more to spare me of rehashing some not so nice moments that did happen at that race.  I’m ready to move on and don’t need to comment on this any further.  Let’s just say there are some classy riders out there and maybe some not so classy.  Sad really.

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So, I am sitting in an airport lounge heading to my next race.  I am really excited to get back to racing the Women’s World Tour and joining my new teammates.  Being home was really nice, I certainly enjoyed it and was very sad to leave.  But it’s time to get back to the race schedule and looking toward the end of the season, the next big goal World Championships.  The national champion get’s an automatic for the World Championships so I think I am in?  Might need to reread the criteria though, seems like there could be a loophole in that one.  So that’s my next big goal, Qatar in October.

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